| Words of Witticism and Wisdom |
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- Laugh and the world laughs with you, but don't laugh out loud at work or CD-ROM Services is likely to lose a client if you get fired!
- Our CD and DVD duplication services will make you happier than some of these jokes!
- Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it. -- Moses Hadas
- The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.-- Dudley Moore
- The covers of this book are too far apart. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
- The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -- Joan Rivers
- The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill. -- Peter Ustinov
- To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady. -- Wilson Mizner
- Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? -- James Thurber, New Yorker cartoon caption, June 5, 1937
- What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
- What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? -- Fred Allen
- What's the point of havin' a rapier wit if I can't use it to stab people? -- Jeph Jacques, Questionable Content, #1615, March 2010
- When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
- When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. -- Brendan Behan
- When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. -- Gracie Allen
- When ideas fail, words come in very handy. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
- Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? -- Woody Allen
- Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.-- Billy Crystal
- You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. -- Arlo Guthrie
- You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there. -- George Burns
- Exercise relieves stress. Nothing relieves exercise. -- Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata, Animal Crossing: Wild World, 2005
- Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. -- Fred Allen
- He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. -- David Frost
- Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind. -- E. B. White, Some Remarks on Humor, introduction
- I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years. -- Samuel Goldwyn
- If the fans don't wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop 'em. -- Yogi Berra, as quoted by Joe Garagiola on the Jack Paar show, NBC 1963
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
- Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -- Anthony Burgess
- A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself. -- Henry Morgan
- A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. -- Joan Rivers
- After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
- Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff
- Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. -- Fran Lebowitz
- Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. -- Rita Mae Brown
- Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight? -- Al Boliska
- A girl phoned me the other day and said Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home. -- Rodney Dangerfield
- Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx
- Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. -- Dave Barry, The Taming of the Screw
- Equations are the devil's sentences. -- Stephen Colbert, The Colbert Report
- Even he, to whom most things that most people would think were pretty smart were pretty dumb, thought it was pretty smart. -- Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt, p. 205
- Exit, pursued by a bear. -- William Shakespeare, Stage direction in The Winter's Tale
- Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees. -- David Letterman
- Fig Newton: The force required to accelerate a fig 39.37 inches per sec. -- J. Hart
- From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put. -- Sir Winston Churchill
- He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him. -- Eddie Cantor
- How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size? -- Woody Allen
- Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.-- Bill Cosby
- I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. -- Demetri Martin, New York Magazine, October 3, 2005
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. -- Steven Wright
- I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks. -- Groucho Marx, In the film A Day at the Races
- I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. -- Marshall McLuhan
- I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' -- Ellen DeGeneres
- I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. -- Rita Rudner
- I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.-- Artemus Ward
- I have such poor vision I can date anybody. -- Garry Shandling
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. -- Noel Coward
- I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. -- Mitch Hedberg
- I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. -- August Strindberg, A Madman's Diary, 1895
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. -- Groucho Marx
- I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered. -- George Best
- I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. -- Henny Youngman
- I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS. -- Robert Bakker, paleontologist
- I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. -- Rita Rudner
- I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? -- Ronnie Shakes
- I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. -- Emo Phillips
- I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen
- I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?' -- Jay Leno
- If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. -- Samuel Goldwyn
- If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging. -- Joe Martin, Mister Boffo
- If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. -- Johnny Carson
- If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. -- George Carlin
- If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur. -- Doug Larson
- If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age. -- George Burns
- If you stay in Beverly Hills too long you become a Mercedes. -- Robert Redford
- If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death. -- Eddie Izzard, Dress To Kill
- I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level. -- Dana Carvey
- It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy. -- James Thurber
- It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for my twin sister. -- Abigail Van Buren, (Dear Abby)
- It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. -- Darrin Weinberg
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
- J.F.K.--The Man and the Airport -- Unknown, Suggested book title
- Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. -- Tommy Cooper
- Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. -- W. C. Fields, in Richard J. Anobile - Godfrey Daniels
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright
- Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it. -- Cullen Hightower
- Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. -- Spike Milligan
- Mustard's no good without roast beef. -- Chico Marx
- My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. -- Ronnie Shakes
- My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. -- Rita Rudner
- My toughest fight was with my first wife. -- Muhammad Ali
- Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
- No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded. -- Yogi Berra
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx
- Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy. -- Janet Long
- Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. -- Niels Bohr
- Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off. -- Ellen DeGeneres
- Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. -- Fran Lebowitz, Social Studies (1981)
- Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. -- Alfred Hitchcock
- Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. -- Rita Rudner
- Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. -- Evan Davis
- Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, Where have I gone wrong? Then a voice says to me, This is going to take more than one night. -- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in Peanuts
- Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. -- Fran Lebowitz
- Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. -- Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
- I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep. -- George Best
