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Cynical Words of Wisdom

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When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. -- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin

When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway. -- Clyde B. Aster

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it. -- Bernard Bailey

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain

Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions. -- Cullen Hightower

Without the aid of prejudice and custom I should not be able to find my way across the room. -- William Hazlitt

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. -- Woody Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. -- Fred Allen

A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know. -- H. L. Mencken

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well. -- Samuel Butler

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. -- Kin Hubbard

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. -- Unknown

Conceit is God's gift to little men. -- Bruce Barton

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults. -- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) Emotions

I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. -- Mark Twain, Wearing White Clothes speech, 1907

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. -- Shelley Winters

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. -- Robert Frost

It was beautiful and simple, as truly great swindles are. -- O. Henry

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. -- Bertrand Russell

Never judge a book by its movie. -- J. W. Eagan

Sanity is a madness put to good use. -- George Santayana

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want. -- Clive Barnes

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it. -- Bill Nye, Interview with Wired.com, April 2005

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom. -- H. L. Mencken

The truth is rarely pure and never simple. -- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895, Act I

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. -- David Letterman

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. -- Jeff Marder

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. -- George Santayana, Soliloquies in England, 1922, War Shrines

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company. -- Gian Vincenzo Gravina

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -- H. L. Mencken

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling. -- Arthur Brisbane, The Book of Today

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience. -- John Updike, Assorted Prose (1965)

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs. -- Mark Twain, Following the Equator

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- Saki, The Square Egg , 1924

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience. -- Doug Larson

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. -- Segal's Law

A motion to adjourn is always in order. -- Robert Heinlein, Lazarus Long: Time Enough For Love

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. -- Evan Esar

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1955)

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment. -- Josh Billings

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say I want to see the manager. -- William S. Burroughs

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself. -- Peter da Silva

All things are difficult before they are easy. -- Dr. Thomas Fuller, Gnomologia, 1732

Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you. -- Cyril Connolly

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. -- Oscar Wilde

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. -- Evan Esar

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. -- Robert Benchley

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger. -- Dan Rather

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. -- Bill Vaughan

And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle. -- Stan Dunn

Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. -- Unknown

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe, San Francisco Chronicle

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. -- Dale Carnegie

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule. -- Stephen King, Everything You Need to Know About Writing Successfully - in Ten Minutes , 1988

Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it. -- Alvin Toffler

Anything too stupid to be said is sung. -- Voltaire

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did. -- Robert Benchley

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something. -- Hagar the Horrible

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

Autobiography is an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people. -- Philip Guedalla

Barnum was wrong - it's more like every 30 seconds. -- Unknown

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. -- Miss Piggy

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men. -- Joseph Conrad

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before... He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Cat's Cradle

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Blame someone else and get on with your life. -- Alan Woods

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Both the cockroach and the bird would get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us most. -- Joseph Wood Krutch

Boyhood, like measles, is one of those complaints which a man should catch young and have done with, for when it comes in middle life it is apt to be serious. -- P. G. Wodehouse, Uneasy Money

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. -- Evan Esar

Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves. -- Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything. -- Herb Caen

College isn't the place to go for ideas. -- Helen Keller

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. -- Peter Ustinov

Confusion is always the most honest response. -- Marty Indik

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. -- H. L. Mencken, A Mencken Chrestomathy (1949)

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. -- Evan Esar

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first. -- Peter Ustinov, Dear Me (1977)

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer? -- George Price

Criticism is prejudice made plausible. -- H. L. Mencken

Critics search for ages for the wrong word, which, to give them credit, they eventually find. -- Peter Ustinov

Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it. -- Paul Tillich, The Courage to Be

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth. -- Lillian Hellman, The Little Foxes, 1939

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. -- John Barrymore, last words

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock. -- Will Rogers

Discretion is not the better part of biography. -- Lytton Strachey, in Michael Holroyd Lytton, Strachey vol. 1 (1967)

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles M. Schulz

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead. -- James Thurber, New Yorker, Feb. 18, 1939 The Shrike and the Chipmunks

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. -- Frank Leahy

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon

Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. -- Henry David Thoreau, Walden , 1854

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. -- Russel Lynes

Everybody hates me because I'm so universally liked. -- Peter de Vries

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens. -- Nick Diamos

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. -- Charles Caleb Colton

Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them. -- Robertson Davies

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. -- George Bernard Shaw

First there is a time when we believe everything, then for a little while we believe with discrimination, then we believe nothing whatever, and then we believe everything again - and, moreover, give reasons why we believe. -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Foolish writers and readers are created for each other. -- Horace Walpole

Fools rush in where fools have been before. -- Unknown

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings. -- George F. Will

For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news. -- Gloria Borger

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting. -- Alan Dean Foster, To the Vanishing Point

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. -- Thomas Jones

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams

Getting caught is the mother of invention. -- Robert Byrne

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak. -- Jay Leno

Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. -- Blore's Razor

Good taste is the worst vice ever invented. -- Edith Sitwell

Great part of being a grownup, you never have to do anything. -- Peter Blake, House M.D., Safe, 2006

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. -- Albert Schweitzer

Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author? -- Philip G. Hamerton, The Intellectual Life

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which. -- Douglas Adams

He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain. -- Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer , Chapter 2

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Sir Winston Churchill

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. -- Saki

Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors. -- Quentin Crisp

Hello seeker! Now don't feel alone here in the New Age, because there's a seeker born every minute. -- Firesign Theatre

Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much. -- Peter Ustinov

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once. -- Tallulah Bankhead

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? -- Jay Leno

He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed. -- Saki

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul. -- Marilyn Monroe

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger. -- Franklin P. Jones

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy. -- George Carlin

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields

Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else. -- James Thorpe

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct. -- Benjamin Disraeli, Speech at the House of Commons, January 24, 1860

How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children -- Lewis B. Frumkes, Book Title (1983)

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted. -- Martin Luther King Jr.

Humankind cannot stand very much reality. -- T. S. Eliot

Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does. -- Bill Nye, Interview with Wired.com, April 2005

Humor is just another defense against the universe. -- Mel Brooks

I am no more humble than my talents require. -- Oscar Levant

I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner

I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed. -- Frank Deford

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize. -- George Bernard Shaw

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. -- Dave Barry

I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it. -- Queen Juliana, of the Netherlands

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise. -- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed. -- James Thurber, Carpe Noctem, If You Can , in Credos and Curios (1962)

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. -- Dorothy Parker

I don't care what it is, when it has an LCD screen, it makes it better. -- Kevin Rose, Diggnation, Our Lip Dub Is Better Than Yours, 2008

I don't generally feel anything until noon; then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. -- Mitch Hedberg

I don't really trust a sane person. -- Lyle Alzado

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. -- Samuel Goldwyn

I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages. -- William H. Mauldin

I felt like poisoning a monk. -- Umberto Eco, on why he wrote the novel The Name of the Rose.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult. -- E. B. White

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. -- Eddie Izzard

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it. -- Samuel Goldwyn

I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me. -- Chris Rapier

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. -- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in Peanuts

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. -- Richard Diran

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. -- Mark Twain

I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. -- E. V. Lucas

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf. -- Robert Bloch

I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.' -- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts

I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some. -- Herbert Rappaport

I improve on misquotation. -- Cary Grant

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. -- Steve Martin

I never know how much of what I say is true. -- Bette Midler

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. -- Fran Lebowitz

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation. -- George Bernard Shaw

I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good. -- Seneca

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to. -- Dave Barry

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out. -- Steven Wright

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer. -- Alfred North Whitehead

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it. -- Pierre Beaumarchais

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -- Anatole France

If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. -- Mickey Mantle, (attributed)

If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins

If one sticks too rigidly to one's principles, one would hardly see anybody. -- Agatha Christie

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. -- Marcus Bridgstocke

If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives. -- Marlon Brando

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane. -- Jimmy Buffett

If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it. -- Arthur Schopenhauer

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you. -- Oscar Wilde

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading. -- Zach Braff

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

Imitation is the sincerest form of television. -- Fred Allen

In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything. -- Jeffery F. Chamberlain

In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man. -- Alfred Hitchcock

In great affairs men show themselves as they wish to be seen; in small things they show themselves as they are. -- Nicholas Chamfort

In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. -- Andre Maurois

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait. -- Jose Simon

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death. -- Joan D. Vinge, Catspaw

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long. -- Leonard Bernstein

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -- Abraham Lincoln

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. -- Arthur C. Clarke

It is a great ability to be able to conceal one's ability. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maxims, 1665

It is always the best policy to speak the truth--unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar. -- Jerome K. Jerome

It is better to be quotable than to be honest. -- Tom Stoppard

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt. -- Mark Twain

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers. -- James Thurber

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. -- George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman (1903) Maxims for Revolutionists

It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets. -- Voltaire

It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. -- Walter Bagehot, Biographical Studies , 1863

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal

It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated. -- Alec Bourne

It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people. -- Logan Pearsall Smith, Afterthoughts (1931) In the World

It takes too much energy to be against something unless it's really important. -- Madeleine L'Engle

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.' -- Sam Levenson

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. -- Mark Twain

It's a poor sort of memory that only works backward. -- Lewis Carroll

Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive. -- G. K. Chesterton

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. -- National Lampoon, Deteriorata

Let's have some new cliches. -- Samuel Goldwyn

Lies are like children: they're hard work, but it's worth it because the future depends on them. -- Pam Davis, House M.D., It's A Wonderful Lie, 2008

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. -- Paul Gauguin

Living hell is the best revenge. -- Adrienne E. Gusoff

Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer

Men who never get carried away should be. -- Malcolm Forbes

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty. -- Leo Rosten

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses. -- Margaret Millar

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted. -- Aldous Huxley

Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad. -- Diogenes the Cynic

Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it. -- Soren Kierkegaard

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. -- Woody Allen

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben

MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's. -- Doug Ferrari

Music is essentially useless, as life is. -- George Santayana, Life of Reason (1905) vol. 4, ch. 4

Music is the only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing. -- John Erskine

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. -- Joe Weinstein

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them. -- Penn Jillette, in a Compuserve chat

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? -- Charles M. Schulz

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists. -- Jean Rostand, Journal of a Character, 1931

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. -- Unknown, Hanlon's Razor

Never confuse movement with action. -- Ernest Hemingway

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning. -- Marlo Thomas

Never tell everything at once. -- Ken Venturi, Ken Venturi's Two Great Rules of Life

Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. -- Evan Davis

Nihilism is best done by professionals. -- Iggy Pop

No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Booth Luce

No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately. -- Michel de Montaigne

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other. -- Jascha Heifetz

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why. -- Mignon McLaughlin

None are so busy as the fool and knave. -- John Dryden, The Medal, 1682

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge. -- Scott Adams

Nothing is as simple as we hope it will be. -- Jim Horning

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. -- Rex Stout

Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all. -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. -- Christopher Lasch

Of course the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you--if you don't play, you can't win. -- Robert Heinlein

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog. -- Peter Steiner, cartoon in The New Yorker, July 5, 1993

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. -- Jewish Proverb

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory. -- Rita Mae Brown

Only sick music makes money today. -- Friedrich Nietzsche, Der Fall Wagner, Section 5

Only the mediocre are always at their best. -- Jean Giraudoux

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. -- Laurence J. Peter

Outer space is no place for a person of breeding. -- Lady Violet Bonham Carter

Partying is such sweet sorrow. -- Robert Byrne

Pay no attention to what the critics say... Remember, a statue has never been set up in honor of a critic! -- Jean Sibelius, quoted in Bengt de Torne Sibelius: A Close-Up 1937

People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. -- Unknown

People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust. -- E. B. White

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. -- Russell Baker

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them. -- Anatole France, The Crime of Sylvestre Bonnard

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. -- Ogden Nash

Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anyone else. -- Heywood Broun, Sitting on the World, 1924

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings. -- Laurence J. Peter

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. -- Evelyn Waugh, Diaries of Evelyn Waugh (1976)

Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers. -- Jimmy Breslin

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. -- W. C. Fields

Rock and roll is the hamburger that ate the world. -- Peter York

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit. -- W. Somerset Maugham

She had an unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities. -- Henry James

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B. -- Dorothy Parker, speaking of Katharine Hepburn

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. -- Daniel J. Boorstin

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. -- T. S. Eliot

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -- Emo Phillips

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. -- George Carlin

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist, Calvin and Hobbes

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. -- Woody Allen

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. -- Abraham Lincoln

Television is for appearing on - not for looking at. -- Noel Coward

Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would have people standing in the corners of our rooms. -- Alan Corenk

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything. -- Charles Kuralt

The author of the Iliad is either Homer or, if not Homer, somebody else of the same name. -- Aldous Huxley

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. -- Jean Kerr

The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up. -- Scott Adams, Dilbert, 07-12-09

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco. -- Mark Twain

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. -- P. G. Wodehouse.

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity. -- Helen Rowland, A Guide to Men, 1922

The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand. -- Lewis Thomas

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps. -- Benjamin Disraeli

The 'Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it. -- William Gibson

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously. -- Nicholas Butler

The only good ideas are the ones I can take credit for. -- R. Stevens, Diesel Sweeties, 11-13-06

The only thing I like about rich people is their money. -- Nancy Astor

The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you. -- Nancy Astor

The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum. -- Havelock Ellis

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. -- George Bernard Shaw

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. -- Mark Twain, in Christian Science

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous. -- Shana Alexander

The saying Getting there is half the fun became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines. -- Henry J. Tillman

The secret of being a bore is to tell everything. -- Voltaire, Discours en vers sur l'homme, 1737

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived. -- Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance, Act 3

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Altito

The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion. -- G. K. Chesterton

The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money. -- David Richerby

The town where I grew up has a zip code of E-I-E-I-O. -- Martin Mull

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with normal is it always gets worse. -- Bruce Cockburn

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it. -- Patrick Young

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it. -- Flannery O'Connor

The truth is more important than the facts. -- Frank Lloyd Wright

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. -- Harlan Ellison

The way to write American music is simple. All you have to do is be an American and then write any kind of music you wish. -- Virgil Thomson

The world tolerates conceit from those who are successful, but not from anybody else. -- John Blake

The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee. -- Tellis Frank

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say. -- Cyril Connolly

There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it. -- Bertrand Russell

There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking. -- Alfred Korzybski

There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise. -- Gore Vidal

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it. -- Denis Diderot

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. -- James Thurber, New Yorker, Feb. 4, 1939, The Fairly Intelligent Fly

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once. -- Evan Esar, Esar's Comic Dictionary

Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. -- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act 3

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance. -- William Shakespeare

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. -- Voltaire

Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's 'St. Matthew's Passion' on a ukulele. -- Bagdikian's Observation

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. -- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) Social Relations

Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was. -- Margaret Mitchell

Visit Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it. -- Moses Hadas

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage. -- Evan Esar

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else. -- Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (1967)

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? -- Jean Cocteau

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head. -- Dennis Miller

We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us. -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, Maximes (1678)

What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising? Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public; ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public. -- Vilhjalmur Stefansson, Discovery , 1964

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. -- Oscar Levant

What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living. -- Doug Larson

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